Finished yard!!

Thanks gals for all your comments on my last blog. They really helped! When I start getting depressed I'm going to go back and reread them all. I'm glad I decided to write what was in my heart. Thank you for your love, confidence, well wishes, and for reminding me what I know to be true even though I forget it sometimes. I love you all so much!! Thank you!!

Today I was going to build a fence (by myself). I don't know what I was thinking. Marty had been sick all night with food poisioning or the flu, so I didn't want to make him work, but I really wanted to get started on this fence. Mind you, I couldn't even lift these 6' long, 6' tall panels out of the truck, but I thought I could at least start digging the 2' deep holes for the posts, so off I went in search for a post hole digger. Luckily when I got back from picking up the post hole digger, Marty had called David Casperson (a neighbor from church) over to help unload the panels from the truck, and they both started helping me. Better yet, Marty called Ed Murphy, a contractor and friend from church to come over and help! Very smart thinking Marty!! I was going to try and build the fence from following an online tutorial (I'm not sure how it would've turned out, or if Marty and I would be speaking by the end of the fence). Strength, knowledge and experience is what we really needed, and Ed knew exactly how to do it. Then our friend Christian Beck showed up to help. He's done a lot of concrete work so he taught me how to do the concrete for the posts (which became my job), while the other guys had all those panels up in 2 hours!! It probably would've taken me that long to dig 2 holes! I tried it, it was hard!! Though I can mix some mighty fine concrete!! We still have a bit more to do, but the hard and heavy part is done. Now the whole yard will be fenced in and I can apply for my child care license (well after the grass grows, which it started doing, yay!!) I can't wait for summer-- games in the yard, BBQ's, kids running around in the grass, it's going to be a great. You're all welcome anytime, just make sure you bring your kids!! I don't want all the fun stuff going to waste.

Here's some pictures of the work that's been happening the last couple weeks on the yard. Everything is finally done, now we just wait for the grass to grow! Greentree dozing, owned by Rick and Phil Middling, did all the work, and did an absolutely amazing job!! They brought in top soil for the entire yard to cover up our stinky clay soil, as well as hauled top soil all along the back and side of the house for my gardens, built the frame for the wood chips for the play structure, and went to Tacoma to get the chips, built a couple rock retaining walls, and raked and seeded the entire yard! No small feat. They hauled away a whole dump truck full of rocks!! Glad we hired them! We haven't got the bill yet, but it was WELL worth it! To finally have the yard done, and not have to look at those huge dirt piles or the mud pit that was our yard.

BEFORE (digging a trench to drain water away from where the play structure will go.

AFTER (The beautiful new play area! Its so nice to have a mud-free and safe place for the kids to play outside.)

BEFORE (Rick, Phil, and Mitchel bring in the soil, and rake out the rocks)

AFTER (back yard seeded, my Azaela/Rhodedendron slope behind our house, and cut out in the slope at the far end to stack fire wood.)

BEFORE (Side yard/dump truck delivering load after load (for 2 days) of good soil to cover up our crummy soil)

AFTER (Drainfield/sloped yard all smooth, with our patch of grass we planted in October.) Marty also enclosed 5 fruit trees on this side of the yard with deer fence.

Main yard--open area for badmittion or other games, wood chip area in the distance for a picnic table and fire pit, can't see it but this whole yard is surrounded with 8' deer fence.

View of the house/play structure from upper part of yard. It will be really nice when the grass grows in. In front of the deck, we brought in good gardening soil for vegi's, and we have a few fruit treese planted near the play structure.

It's been a while

Its been a long time since I've been to blogger. I just haven't been strong enough. Sounds funny, huh. How strong do you have to be to sign in to Blogger? All my friend's blogs are about their beautiful babies and healthy pregnancies, and after struggling and struggling to get pregnant or stay pregnant, its just been too hard to witness. I think about my friends all the time. I want to see them. I pray for their little ones. But something about seeing their pictures, and reading their words it just gets me choked up every time. I care for kids and babies everyday, it doesn't seem like it should be so hard, but it feels different when its your friend's having babies. You feel so left out. Like the last one chosen for the softball team that all your friends are playing on, or worse yet, not being chosen at all. Its hard to explain. I go to bed in tears every time. So I stay away, and try not to think about how much fun they're having and all the wonderful, and sometimes not so wonderful experiences they are having. But then I feel guilty. I think, what kind of friend am I? I should see how so and so is doing. I just wish I knew why I can't have what I desire more than anything in this world, a baby! It doesn't help when doctors can't find anything wrong and tell you after 3 years, and 2 failed IVF cycles that you just have "bad luck," and that its not your fault and you can't do anything about it. Why can't I just have a little good luck?

So since I can't have babies, I care for them, I build big expensive play areas for them, I go through a million child care licensing hoops to provide quality, licensed care for Vashon's under and over 2 years old population. (If I watch children under 2 1/2 I have to have a license, so that's what I'm doing, because there's nothing else out there for these families.) I plant gardens and trees, I buy materials for my preschool, and all the while trying not to think about how I'm going to handle another failed IVF cycle if it happens again. My hopes of doing foster care were dashed when I found out the state wouldn't license us for Foster care if we were licensed for in home childcare. But since I can't afford not to work, and what the island needs is childcare, especially for children younger than 2 1/2, I have to get licensed. Adoption would be the next step, but with no money, and soon to be quite in debt because of all the recent work on finishing the yard, and trying to meet all the childcare licensing requirements (including a fence around out whole yard, well about 375' of it at least and of course having a yard for kids to play in, which meant bringing in load after load of soil to cover ALL of crappy clayish soil, leveling it out, then planting seed), there isn't anything left for us to be able to "buy" our children. That just doesn't seem right that those that can't have kids, after spending, some of them $50,000 (~3 IVF cycles) or more on Infertility treatment, then have to spend $20-40,000 on adoption! Who has $90,000 to just shell out for a baby? Not me. Through Fostering, at least adopting would've been free.

But I can't complain too much because at least our insurance covers 90% of our fertility treatment, at least up to $25,000 (lifetime maximum). You can see that that will only go so far though. Too bad it doesn't compensate you for the emotional distress that it causes, and I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't work next time. I know I'll persevere somehow, but right now I can't even think about it. Well this has been the most depressing post I've ever written. I wish this could be one of those anonymous posts, but I just felt like writing, and getting how I was feeling out there. I don't even mind if no one reads it, it was more for me I guess than anyone else. At least I've stopped crying now. I also just wanted to apologize to all my friends for not reading and commenting on their posts and to explain why. You're my friends, so I know you understand, but I just had to say sorry anyway. Well I better get to bed, I've got 2 one year olds, a two and 1/2 year old, and 2 four year olds coming tomorrow (this is my easy day :o), but still I'll need my energy.
Love you all!! Jenny

I'll try to take some pictures of the yard and everything, and post them later.