It's been a while

Its been a long time since I've been to blogger. I just haven't been strong enough. Sounds funny, huh. How strong do you have to be to sign in to Blogger? All my friend's blogs are about their beautiful babies and healthy pregnancies, and after struggling and struggling to get pregnant or stay pregnant, its just been too hard to witness. I think about my friends all the time. I want to see them. I pray for their little ones. But something about seeing their pictures, and reading their words it just gets me choked up every time. I care for kids and babies everyday, it doesn't seem like it should be so hard, but it feels different when its your friend's having babies. You feel so left out. Like the last one chosen for the softball team that all your friends are playing on, or worse yet, not being chosen at all. Its hard to explain. I go to bed in tears every time. So I stay away, and try not to think about how much fun they're having and all the wonderful, and sometimes not so wonderful experiences they are having. But then I feel guilty. I think, what kind of friend am I? I should see how so and so is doing. I just wish I knew why I can't have what I desire more than anything in this world, a baby! It doesn't help when doctors can't find anything wrong and tell you after 3 years, and 2 failed IVF cycles that you just have "bad luck," and that its not your fault and you can't do anything about it. Why can't I just have a little good luck?

So since I can't have babies, I care for them, I build big expensive play areas for them, I go through a million child care licensing hoops to provide quality, licensed care for Vashon's under and over 2 years old population. (If I watch children under 2 1/2 I have to have a license, so that's what I'm doing, because there's nothing else out there for these families.) I plant gardens and trees, I buy materials for my preschool, and all the while trying not to think about how I'm going to handle another failed IVF cycle if it happens again. My hopes of doing foster care were dashed when I found out the state wouldn't license us for Foster care if we were licensed for in home childcare. But since I can't afford not to work, and what the island needs is childcare, especially for children younger than 2 1/2, I have to get licensed. Adoption would be the next step, but with no money, and soon to be quite in debt because of all the recent work on finishing the yard, and trying to meet all the childcare licensing requirements (including a fence around out whole yard, well about 375' of it at least and of course having a yard for kids to play in, which meant bringing in load after load of soil to cover ALL of crappy clayish soil, leveling it out, then planting seed), there isn't anything left for us to be able to "buy" our children. That just doesn't seem right that those that can't have kids, after spending, some of them $50,000 (~3 IVF cycles) or more on Infertility treatment, then have to spend $20-40,000 on adoption! Who has $90,000 to just shell out for a baby? Not me. Through Fostering, at least adopting would've been free.

But I can't complain too much because at least our insurance covers 90% of our fertility treatment, at least up to $25,000 (lifetime maximum). You can see that that will only go so far though. Too bad it doesn't compensate you for the emotional distress that it causes, and I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't work next time. I know I'll persevere somehow, but right now I can't even think about it. Well this has been the most depressing post I've ever written. I wish this could be one of those anonymous posts, but I just felt like writing, and getting how I was feeling out there. I don't even mind if no one reads it, it was more for me I guess than anyone else. At least I've stopped crying now. I also just wanted to apologize to all my friends for not reading and commenting on their posts and to explain why. You're my friends, so I know you understand, but I just had to say sorry anyway. Well I better get to bed, I've got 2 one year olds, a two and 1/2 year old, and 2 four year olds coming tomorrow (this is my easy day :o), but still I'll need my energy.
Love you all!! Jenny

I'll try to take some pictures of the yard and everything, and post them later.